Being the complete control freak that I am, I don’t take well to change. I often fool myself into thinking otherwise by making small changes all the damn time. I joke about having commitment issues when it comes to my favourites, likes and dislikes, how my room is set out and how I dress, but the truth is that my changing those little things all the time is probably my way of telling myself that I’m fine with change, despite the fact that any time a big change comes along I freak out about it.
Right now is a time of massive change for me.
I’ve just finished up my first year of university and so all of my flatmates are moving home. I’m resigning from a part time job I hate, a free summer is approaching, I’m moving into a new house in September and my boyfriend is moving away to study at University, not to mention that my friends are going through some big changes of their own and I desperately want to be there for them through that. It’s all a lot to take in for a control freak since none of those things I mentioned seem to be things that I can really control. It’s all about the unknown.
It’s about whether my friendships and relationship can last the distance and if I can do well in my second year of my degree, it’s if I can financially support myself enough and make sure that I don’t spend the summer wasting away. It’s not knowing what September is going to be like or whether I’ll be ready for whatever it throws at me.
So I’m trying to find a new way of dealing with change, a way that works like this; so I can’t control the future and it’s still terrifying and difficult and I know that whatever it is that’s coming up it won’t always be easy, but what can I control? I can control my attitude and who I am.
So this is how I’m trying to look at the changes that are coming up. I’m trying to see the positives and ultimately what I can control about it all. I’ve been thinking about who I want to be in September. A new start to a new academic year always motivates me in the same way that some people get pumped by New Years. Next year I want to be organised; I want to kill it with my grades and throw everything I have into my writing and blogging and YouTube stuff. I want to be the kind of person who loves herself enough to take care of her body; to exercise a little and eat better. I want to be the type of person who’s confident in her relationships because she goes all the way in making the effort to maintain them and has the strength to expect the same from the people she loves. I want to be the person who puts herself out there when it’s necessary and I want to be the type of girl who keeps her eyes on that spot in the distance when things get tough and looks forward to what’s coming, instead of absolutely dreading it.
I have so much to look forward to next academic year. A new cosy house with some amazing friends, a chance to study a subject I love in a city I love with the continued support of my friends back home, a chance to improve myself through my studies and gain experiences if I can only push myself enough. I’ll have space in my relationship and a chance to remember who I am on my own, a chance to miss him and a chance to learn how to even be in a proper relationship, how to strengthen all the friendships I have from a distance.
My point, I suppose, is that I’m trying to look at these changes as a chance to make myself a better version of me. I’m trying to see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and a chance to do the things that by habit I’ve forgotten to do this year. By September I intended to have some sort of list like new years resolutions expect maybe call them goals. I want to have something to focus on so that when everything is changing around me I can remember that it’s okay because I’m changing too and it might even be for the better.
When the world is changing around us I think it’s normal to stick our heads in the sand and refuse it, but I’m trying really hard to think about the fact that maybe change would be much easier if I was willing to give into changing myself along with the rest of the world. Or even to remember that maybe the world is changing because I’m changing and I’m not the one that needs to catch up, I just have to be willing to just keep going.